Posts Tagged ‘license’
Wassup with designer jeans mogul and Rock Racing cycling team CEO Michael Ball?
Confusion reigns. Not, like, which hot models to hire for the new photo-shoot, not what crazy stitching to put on the back of the jeans pockets, not how much cocaine to order for the babes. That’s fun stuff.
No, it’s the damn cycling team. Can’t Ball just concentrate on his business model? The man is trying to make bank in a comatose economy — he has enough worries. And these freakin’ UCI lawyers with their paper work, Continental, half continental, super funky continental, who can keep up with that crap? Is that a category or a hotel breakfast? My boys wanna ride the big races, what’s with the forest-killing paperwork?
The cone of silence around Rock Racing leads us to believe the crazy merger plans and South of the Border license tricks have failed. There will be no Rock Racing Murcia Mexico Mozambique Mars arrangement. Which on comedy alone is a bummer for yours truly. Twisted Spoke is already on record: cycling needs Rock Racing because every sport needs a bad-boy team in black with a skull on the chest. Just basic marketing. Floor tile and ceramic dinnerware are okay sponsors but where’s the sex in that?
What the holy hell cakes — what is going on with Rock Racing? Nobody knows, apparently not even Michael Ball. He’s on a yacht off Tunisia partying hard. He’s at his New York digs looking at Fall 2011 designs. He’s in Milan or Croatia looking at fabric or deep in the denim mines of Central Mongolia. He’s treating his team like a new Rock and Republic concept for socks: he’s interested but it’s strictly back-burner.
A team dangles in the wind. Are they holing up with Murcia, merging with Mexico or trading international felon Floyd Landis for a Protour license? Are they auctioning off Patrick McCarthy and a few other American riders in an attempt at a fast and cheap Mexican make-over?
Oscar Sevilla is wandering around Colombia with a pregnant wife wondering where his next pay check is coming from. Rock riders Tony Cruz, Freddy Rodriguez, David Martin, Florentino Marquez, Mauro Richeze, Patrick McCarthy and Jose Enrique deserve far better. Floyd Landis, well, really hard to say what he deserves at this point — ask FakeFloyd. (Interesting to note, there is no FakeArmstrong.)
Michael Ball, issue a statement. Something like “I tried to bring my rock and roll show and my sexy babes to this tired tradition-bound sport but the suits kept wrecking my party. I’ll miss my boys but adios.” Something, anything.
Ball cannot fundamentally understand what is wrong with these UCI people. Have they never been to a party where people had sex in the bathrooms? Don’t they ever have so much fun they puked in the hot-tub? Have they never tried mixing crystal meth with a White Russian just to see, you know, what happens?
Michael, say goodbye to the sport, give your riders a nice severance package and move on. Twisted Spoke is gonna miss you, man.
Special note of thanks to Patron Saint of Twisted Spoke, James Raia at the SFExaminer cycling desk. For his amusing insights on Ball and Rock, click on over.
“If I had a heart, I’d cry”
The home page of Michael Ball’s Rock & Republic jeans begins with that bold declaration, followed by another slick statement of youth and stylish anarchy, “go big or go home.”
The UCI just double nixed Ball and his Rock Racing team for a Pro Continental License so both statements apply. Somewhere a skinny Asian model in one of Ball’s black mini-dresses is crying.
Floyd Landis and Gilberto Simoni won’t be too pleased to hear the news, either. Both were on the verge on signing with Rock Racing, the only hold-up, a valid Pro Conti license. Simoni has a fall back offer with Lampre but Landis doesn’t. Ouch in more ways than one.
Michael Bell is now between a rock and a hard place. And that’s a sad thing because the sport needs Michael Ball more than it needs another dull Italian team, especially one sponsored by a toy manufacturer. A team coming off the embarrassing suspension of its top rider Davide Rebellin for doping. Fashion models may do drugs but that’s part of their job and they don’t race bikes, right?
Cycling needs Ball’s flamboyance, his rock n roll mentality, his brash pontification and sexy girls. Just ask Giro impresario Angelo Zomegnan about creating spectacle and passion. You can bet Crazy Z wants Rock Racing at his race. He puts on a show, Cirque de Soleil on wheels.
Sure, Ball tends to play loose with the payroll but that’s the fashion world, baby. It’s a rolling party and everybody gets what they need in the end plus a closet of designer jeans and free passes to every disco on the globe.
Meanwhile, the strange Basque outfit, Placebo Galicia, was approved for their license. Last year, the UCI used this squad to test the difference in fan reaction between a real pro cycling team and a fake one with no active ingredients. Having previously announced the test was over, the inclusion of the Placebo team was a major surprise.
Twisted Spoke is listening to Michael Ball’s favorite music by Band of Skulls and thinking about the final line we saw on the Rock & Republic web site: “Nothing is held back.” Yeah, except a license to race.
Is Alberto Contador staying or going? Perhaps his mother knows best.
As cycling fans await the imminent yes or no on whether the UCI will continue Astana’s ProTour status, the news leaks are already happening.
The most surprising news is that Contador’s mother, Paqui Velasco, has taken the unusual and unprecedented step of writing the UCI to ask the board not to approve the Astana license and “set her son free.”
Contents of the letter have not been released but an unnamed source has provided a quick peek at the handwritten note.
“My son Alberto is a good boy. I don’t want him riding his bike with that Mr. Vinokourov who is a bad man and a cheater,” she wrote.
The letter goes on to remind the UCI of the Kazak squad’s financial difficulties. “They didn’t pay his salary for months. He borrowed money from his uncle and I had to make him a sack lunch for races because they didn’t even buy him food.”
Paqui Velasco did not stop there, with several long paragraphs suggesting that her son belonged in a different team and that her son deserved his freedom for the beleaguered Astana team.
“My son belongs in a nice team like Caisse d’Epargne with other Spanish riders. Even Quickstep would be better than those kazak people– Mr. Lefevere has assured me he is half Spanish. I don’t trust that Garmin fellow Vaughters, his sideburns are strange.”
In closing, she questioned the fairness of the situation that her son Alberto finds himself in. “As a mother, I don’t think it’s right Lance Armstrong steals all my son’s teammates. You can’t give a license to a team with nobody on it but my son,” she wrote.
UCI President Pat McQuaid and other board members refused comment on the extraordinary letter, which was apparently hand delivered with a hot pot of Cocido Madrileno, a stew of chickpeas, vegetables and pork.
The Shack is officially street legal.
Yes, the UCI has granted Radio Shack a four year ProTour license. Which means Lance Armstrong can win the the 2013 Tour de France when he’s almost 42 years old. Approval was kind of a foregone conclusion given the names Armstrong, Levi Leipheimer and Andreas Kloden on the roster plus manager to the stars, Johan Bruyneel.
How would you say no to Radio Shack? Bad spelling on the application? Too much money in the bank account? No UCI discounts on Radio Shack electronic appliances? This was a no-brainer. Radio Shack has already done their Tour shopping spree. Can you imagine the big closed door meeting at the UCI — guys, Armstrong wants a license, okay, give him one. Who’s really going to read the hundred pages from the homework assignment?
Rumors are now swirling that the UCI will grant Astana just half a license, given that they have half a team. According to unnamed sources, Astana will be allowed to race on alternate weekends and only on tandem bikes. In addition, Astana sponsor gas company Kazmunaigas will be required to provide “free gas for life” for all UCI officials and their families.
In any case, Radio Shack now has its papers in order. After all, you’d hate to think Lance Armstrong would have to “sneak” into the Tour de France.